Seeking Comfort in the Familiar

As mentioned in my previous post, for the first time in about 8 months I went and had a session with my counsellor.  He and his wife both work as therapists of some sort.  He lectures in mental health nursing at a nearby university and his wife is an acupuncturist and naturopath.  They don't have a living room, they have a therapy room.

That room is one of those places that makes you feel like you're totally safe from the crap in the outside world when even though you're actually closer to it than you are when you're living your day to day life.  You peel back all of the layers and admit things out loud that you're barely able to admit in your head. It has a particular smell, that room.  I'm not sure what it is, other than its one of the oils that is used after an acupuncture session.  I love that smell.  I try and remember it when I'm feeling like I'm having a stressful moment.  It makes me feel protected somehow.

I find it fascinating how a total stranger can look at you and read you.  He sees through all the bullshit.  He knows exactly why you're doing what you're doing and makes you face up to it. 

The boyfriend hadn't contacted me in any way shape or form for 10 days at the time I had the session.  I explained to my counsellor (who I'm attempted to refer to as Donnie as a nod to Woody Allen) how things had been better, the communication was a lot better than it had been previously and then this past week-ish, it had gone to shit.  I got no reply to a "Miss You" text, or to a "haven't seen you for 2 weeks and would be grateful if you could make time to see me this week" voicemail, or finally to a "I haven't heard from you for a week and a half, you're not at work, I'm worried" voicemail."  I told him I was hurt and angry as it really isn't that hard to send a text to say "Hi babe, really sorry, things are mad - will speak to you soon."  I'd have been cool with that.  I wouldn't have been wondering why I was being ignored or worrying that something awful had happened.  I wondered why, when on Thursday night I'd left that voicemail saying I was worried, he hadn't called me the next day to say everything was ok.  Why would you make a worried person wait any longer than necessary to put their mind at ease?

My counsellor pondered for a moment and said, "You're such a clever girl Beth.  You're perceptive and witty and just bright as a button.  Why do you make yourself a doormat?"

Because thats what I am when I'm involved with a man.  I know why too. 

I'm terrified of turning into my mother.  She's a nag. When my dad gets home from work, she's on his back straight away.  There's always something.  I don't want to be like that.  So when my boyfriend says he's busy at work, I don't make a fuss.  I just let him get on with it knowing he'll call/text when he can. 

So in my utter fear of turning out like my mother - bitter and spiteful and ungrateful - I put myself in the position of being walked over.  I allow a lot of people to get away with things that I really shouldn't.

Interestingly enough, I had a text from the boyfriend this morning to say that he'd been so very busy and to apologise.  I did reply, although I was in two minds about it as I'm still hurt that I'm so low priority that my being worried doesn't want a quicker reply.  All I could say was "Thank you for letting me know you're ok, I'll talk to you when you're less busy x"

This afternoon I wondered if my reply was a little short.  Too abrupt perhaps.  But in the grand scheme of things, I felt it was warranted.  I couldn't love him more if I tried and its because of that I'll let certain things slide rather than make a nuisance of myself, but sometimes a little consideration for my feelings is required. 

I have to work out for myself how I deal with these issues and I'm comforted to know that while I'm trying I have the familiarity of that room as a sanctuary.

A quick note about comments...

While I'm happy for people to read my thoughts and I'm always grateful for input from my readers, on this particular post I'm not interested in a barrage of comments telling me he's not worth my time or to dump him. That won't be in any way constructive to me during a difficult time that I'm trying to navigate through and so on this occasion if thats your opinion I would ask that you please don't post it - Many Thanks.

Comments

[dylan]

Therapy really is a great way to allow someone who is completely outside your situation, and unhindered by the obligations of friendships, to help you talk things through and work them out in your own mind. It doesn't work for everyone, and you obviously only reap as much as you sow, but I'm glad to hear it's panning out well for you. Having a safe place to fall and unwind is invaluable in a world that is chaotic as ours.

[brandy]

I've always liked the idea that a therapist could look at you, listen to you and then be able to read you. I know some people find that really overwhelming but I actually find it relaxing. It saves me the trouble of having to pretend to be something better, funnier, smarter and instead just go from what we both know I am- awesome with faults. ;)

[brookem]

Beth, I think you handled the situation really well. And I can't think of a different text I would have sent back. Very appropriate.
Hang in there... thinking of you from accross the ocean.

[Dr. Deb]

Sounds like the therapy office is a lovely sanctuary.

[Beth]

Dylan - I couldn't agree more!

Brandy - Its nice to be able to let your guard down just for 5 minutes. To not have to be on your best behaviour!

Brookem - Thank you, it seems to have worked because I had 2 texts and a 2 1/2 hour phone call during the week and a visit last night!

Deb - It really is and I think we should all have one!