"...but don't take it personally."

A week or so ago, I had a meeting with my line manager.  She was about to go on holiday for a week and she wanted to talk to me about the new member of staff in the team.

"Now, these are just my observations and hers too..." she began, "...I don't want you to take any of this personally."

From this point onwards, depending on how I'm feeling I can either describe it as a character assasination or constructive criticism.  She told me that I was scary to the new person in the team.  That I was very blunt and direct and that this could be intimidating.  She wanted me to be nicer.

If she wants me to be fluffy while the new girl is getting settled I'll be fluffy.  It either means that when I start being myself again it'll be a huge culture shock for her or when she sees me being myself with everyone else she'll either think I'm treating her differently or I'm completely schizophrenic.  That said, its not my decision, I'm just a sheep in the flock.

The one part that has plagued me is  the statement "now..don't  take it personally."  How can I not take personally being told that in short I'm not a nice person.  Maybe I'm exaggerating, but that really is how it feels at times.

I'm the first to admit that I'm blunt and direct.  Usually for the purposes of humour but also because in my job i'm a busy person.  Every day we have a shit-load to do and if you're asking me a stupid question (particularly if I've given you a fucking checklist of what to do which you then disregard) then you better believe I'll be blunt.  Life is short, I don't want to waste it repeating myself.

She asked if it was easy to get to know me.  It crossed my mind to say "Well, its such an objective question.  I mean, can you really ever "know" someone."  I didn't, I said "that depends if I want someone to get to know me."  Its an obvious answer really.  I don't give huge amounts of my personality away at work.  I like to keep things separate.  There's Work Beth, Home Beth, Out with Friends Beth, Dumped Beth, Horny Beth.  Many, many different Beths.  There is one fairly strong theme that accompanies all these different Beths though (and it isn't the name "Beth").  Its my wit.  I'm dry.  I'm sarcastic.  Its my favourite thing about myself.  Apparently thats part of the problem. 

Its a tough one.  Being asked to change an integral part of your personality.  I didn't put up much of an argument to the conversation just because there wasn't any point.   Its a situation that there wasn't an apropriate rebuttle for I just nodded and smiled in the right places. 

The boss told me it was because she wants to develop me and that having good people skills is very important.  My people skills with the other 15 members of staff are fine, it seems its just with the new ones I have to pretend to be someone else. 

Ironically, she hadn't realised that an element of my personality she doesn't see is the side that actually gets quite wounded at those sort of comments.  I'm actually quite soft.  I'd consider myself a nice person.  I buy random gifts for people.  I rescue insects from the bathtub before I have a shower rather than drowining them.  If someone has had a bad day I try to do something nice for them.  This applies to people at work.  I buy sweets for the office if we're really busy. If someone sighs I ask if everything is ok (although I did this to the owner during the week and he bit my head off).  If someone is stressed about a task they're doing I offer to help.  I try to make people happy if I can.

When comments like hers are made it makes me want to withdraw all the personality I have and just work.  No laughing with colleagues.  No jokes.  No checking people are okay.  Just a robot.

Perhaps thats better, you know?  Better I have no personality at all than one that resembles some sort of witch.  Maybe the battleaxe comment made by someone else was right...maybe I'm just not a people person.

Comments

[peach]

balls to that, and balls to them. While it is true that if you withdrew all the personality you had you'd probably have a more straightforward time of it at work, just balls balls balls, you clearly make it a better place to be so don't let your linemanager or anyone else bloody well tell you to stop being you. That's work fascim, and balls to that!

[Deb]

I'm soft like that too. Words can wound me without a person knowing.

[KennethSF]

If your smile in that profile pic is an accurate reflection of your personality (and I have no reason to believe otherwise), you must be a nice person, the type that would hoist drowning insects to safety from the bathwater flood or randomly buy gifts for people.

So ... where's my gift?

[ruby]

She needs to suck it up and stop being an imcompetent ninny. That's how I feel. Want me to come over there and show her blunt, direct and intimadating?

[clarissa]

Maybe she's just a jealous, stupid ninny (Good word Ruby!).

Reading your post sent my blood boiling. If there is one thing I hate, it's being misunderstood; and it sounds like the new ninny has misunderstood you. And might be jealous / intimidated by you. Drives me crazy b/c I too am busy at work and don't like to waste time and often fear that folks think I'm unfriendly. Sod 'em.

[David]

You know, I was told at a season job, recently, I have an attitude problem that needs severe adjusting and my customer service is not up to Hallmark standards. Which is so not true. My customer service is impeccable, and for them to tell me that...it was just total bullocks! Ugh. I think it's cuz I'm a guy...

[Beth]

Peach - Thank you - I totally agree. I've adopted the balls to it attitude as of this morning! It sounds like something that needs to be put onto a self-help tape.

Deb - I think its better that way though. If you don't let on that you're upset, particularly in a work environment. Although thats probably not so much of a problem you have!

Kenneth SF - The key word there is randomly! If I told you where your gift was it'd lose the element of surprise. Thank you for the compliment too, always gratefully received.

Ruby - Mind if I keep that offer in reserve? I'm plenty skilled with blunt, direct and intimidating but there may come a time where I need an army of it - you my friend have just been signed up to the senior ranks! :o)

Clarissa - I'm not sure if you've commented before? If you have, welcome back. If not, welcome! I wondered for a while if I'd overreacted to it all - from your comment I can see that I haven't. Ironically, now that we have another new girl the old new girl is being more chatty. She still doesn't have any manners (makes mistakes that either cost the company money or get other members of staff - me - a bollocking and turns up late without apologising for either) and I do worry that at some point I'll say something. We'll see. I'm trying Peach's Balls to it attitude for now. I think it'll work.

David - You can't win with some people you know? You can work your arse off and its never enough. Okay, so I don't know you in person but I know you via blog (which is valid!) and you dont seem to have an attitude - you're a really thoughtful guy which generally doesn't go hand in hand with rudeness and a "fuck the customer" attitiude!

[Travis Erwin]

Don't let 'em wear you down. In time everyone may discover the new person recently escaped from a padded room. I sat continue to be who you are.

[Jen]

I'm actually a bit shocked she said that Beth-you poor thing, and I concur, how on earth were you meant to *not* take that personally? I'd be looking for a new job if that were me....why should you have to put up with that? :(

[Clare]

I don't know what it is but all jobs seem to be going that way these days. You can't do or say anything right and everything seems to be so regimented.

Oh if only you lived nearer as I could've done with you on Friday night to get rid of a massive spider in my bathroom for me :).

[J Cosmo Newbery]

"Don't take it personally"? How dumb is that? What alternative do you have?

[Beth]

Travis Erwin - Thank you, I actually showed your comment to one of my nice coworkers and we giggled.

Jen - Its such a tough call. I love my job, I really do. I don't want to leave if I don't have to so I'm just going to distance myself a little bit. Perhaps put a little less personality into things when involving certain members of staff. Sort of autopilot.

Clare - They're always in the bathroom aren't they! Maybe you should invest in one of those suction things you can get - they just suck up the spider and its gone. Not sure if it kills them though!

Cosmo - Lovely to see you here! Those were my sentiments exactly. When I discussed it with the MD he advised me in a roundabout way that the truth hurts and none of us like being told we have weaknesses. I'll go with that, it'd just be nice if people could advise me of my weaknesses in a more sensitive way!

[polly pierce]

Aren't these people nuts?

I've had similar probs at work with people like this, to the extent that I have felt isolated and bullied. What they don't see is that in the big bad world innocent little ninnie's like your girl are going to meet people who are much worse than us.

If they want you to lie about who you are; they aren't worth wasting your breath or precious tears over. If only we weren't quite so human; it wouldn't hurt so much, would it?

Honesty and integrety are two things which are sadly missing these days. Most people are so strung out on being 'nice';they don't realise that they are being dishonest, hypercritical and two faced a lot of the time. So long as the outside bit looks okay to everyone else...! You just carry on being you!

Have a lovely Christmas and by the time you've recovered from your hangover; they'll still be thinking about it! While you, on the other hand, will have had a great time forgetting about everything that doesn't really matter; including them!