...Think, Think, Think...

"...but don't take it personally."

A week or so ago, I had a meeting with my line manager.  She was about to go on holiday for a week and she wanted to talk to me about the new member of staff in the team.

"Now, these are just my observations and hers too..." she began, "...I don't want you to take any of this personally."

From this point onwards, depending on how I'm feeling I can either describe it as a character assasination or constructive criticism.  She told me that I was scary to the new person in the team.  That I was very blunt and direct and that this could be intimidating.  She wanted me to be nicer.

If she wants me to be fluffy while the new girl is getting settled I'll be fluffy.  It either means that when I start being myself again it'll be a huge culture shock for her or when she sees me being myself with everyone else she'll either think I'm treating her differently or I'm completely schizophrenic.  That said, its not my decision, I'm just a sheep in the flock.

The one part that has plagued me is  the statement "now..don't  take it personally."  How can I not take personally being told that in short I'm not a nice person.  Maybe I'm exaggerating, but that really is how it feels at times.

I'm the first to admit that I'm blunt and direct.  Usually for the purposes of humour but also because in my job i'm a busy person.  Every day we have a shit-load to do and if you're asking me a stupid question (particularly if I've given you a fucking checklist of what to do which you then disregard) then you better believe I'll be blunt.  Life is short, I don't want to waste it repeating myself.

She asked if it was easy to get to know me.  It crossed my mind to say "Well, its such an objective question.  I mean, can you really ever "know" someone."  I didn't, I said "that depends if I want someone to get to know me."  Its an obvious answer really.  I don't give huge amounts of my personality away at work.  I like to keep things separate.  There's Work Beth, Home Beth, Out with Friends Beth, Dumped Beth, Horny Beth.  Many, many different Beths.  There is one fairly strong theme that accompanies all these different Beths though (and it isn't the name "Beth").  Its my wit.  I'm dry.  I'm sarcastic.  Its my favourite thing about myself.  Apparently thats part of the problem. 

Its a tough one.  Being asked to change an integral part of your personality.  I didn't put up much of an argument to the conversation just because there wasn't any point.   Its a situation that there wasn't an apropriate rebuttle for I just nodded and smiled in the right places. 

The boss told me it was because she wants to develop me and that having good people skills is very important.  My people skills with the other 15 members of staff are fine, it seems its just with the new ones I have to pretend to be someone else. 

Ironically, she hadn't realised that an element of my personality she doesn't see is the side that actually gets quite wounded at those sort of comments.  I'm actually quite soft.  I'd consider myself a nice person.  I buy random gifts for people.  I rescue insects from the bathtub before I have a shower rather than drowining them.  If someone has had a bad day I try to do something nice for them.  This applies to people at work.  I buy sweets for the office if we're really busy. If someone sighs I ask if everything is ok (although I did this to the owner during the week and he bit my head off).  If someone is stressed about a task they're doing I offer to help.  I try to make people happy if I can.

When comments like hers are made it makes me want to withdraw all the personality I have and just work.  No laughing with colleagues.  No jokes.  No checking people are okay.  Just a robot.

Perhaps thats better, you know?  Better I have no personality at all than one that resembles some sort of witch.  Maybe the battleaxe comment made by someone else was right...maybe I'm just not a people person.

First Day back, I think they missed me

I get called a couple of different names at my job.  My boss used to say I was a drama queen, but I think I've mellowed a bit in the last few months.  One person thinks I should be called Boots because of my fixation with both the shop and the shoes, she also tends to call me "Bethlehem" (which serves only to remind me of carol concerts at primary school where *every* damn time the word came up in the song my classmates would turn and look at me).  Another person calls me Scrable because I know lots of long words.  Today, we added a new name to the list.  Really, its quite special:

Male Coworker 1:  Alright Beth?  How ya doing?

Me: Erm, yeah.  Whats up with you?  You seem unusually happy?  Get laid at the weekend?

Cue brief conversation about why he should or shouldn't be happy and reiteration that he was just being nice

Male Coworker 1: "Awright Treacle?  Awright Darlin?" - is that better?

Me:  Thats more like what I'd expect from you, yeah.  Although to be honest I hate being called treacle.

Male Coworker 2:  Of all the women that I could think of to call treacle or darling, Beth is the lat person I'd think of.

Male Coworker 1: Why?  What else would you call her instead?

Male Coworker 2:  I dunno.  Battleaxe.

Cue gasp of mock-shock on my part followed by laughter from everyone who overheard.

I like Male Coworker 2.  At least I did until then.  Shortly after that, he came over and asked if he could have one of my crisps (I gave him the rest of the bag) and then just as he was leaving at the end of the day, the subject comes up again as we recount the story to a couple of people who didn't catch the live version:

Male Coworker 2:  ...but you know I was joking.  We went to the shop together at lunchtime and we chatted.

Me:  Yeah, we did.  About your mate and his girlfriend and about your shopping yesterday.  And then we come back and you called me a Battleaxe.

Male Coworker 2: Yeah but I didn't mean it.  I'm sorry.  Have I really offended you?

Me:  No, thats fine.  I hadn't been mean to you all day, I even gave you crisps in spite of it.  Wounded.  Wounded I am.

Male Coworker 2: Oh come on..you don't really have an emotional side do you?

Me:  ...

Male Coworker 2: I think I should probably go home now...

Male Coworker 3: Yeah, quit while you're behind mate.

Some holiday that was...

This past week i've been off work.  Its been my first break since May of this year and here's a rundown of what happened.

Monday
I cleaned the bathroom and upstairs landing.  It really needed doing.  I'd tried waiting for my mother to do it.  She didn't.  Then I wondered if the fairies might.  Nope.  Did it myself.  After that I decided I was going to bake.  I made a whiskey fruitcake and the fruit sank to the bottom.  I shan't make fruit cake again.

Monday Night, 10:30pm or thereabouts
My throat started to feel a bit sore.  I spent a few minutes with my mouth open staring in the bathroom mirror to see if my tonsils were enlarged or anything.  I wasn't sure either way as I don't know what tonsils look like in a normal state.

Tuesday
I decide to go shopping in London.  Throat is still bad, made worse by my anger at the tube strike, which I didn't think would be that bad.  It was and I totally disagree with the notion of striking but thats another rant for another day.  I found that you aren't meant to chew Nurofen Meltlets, you're meant to let them melt.  I bought make up, cleanser, underwear, not that any of it was really necessary. I was kindly given a lift back from London by a married colleague who everyone thinks I'm screwing that I'm not.  Apparently, this is the price you pay for being a pretty girl who makes friends with the boys - you're the subject of lots of gossip.  Okay, I'll be honest. I've played up to it a bit. So has he, although he actually flirts with everyone.  Sometimes though, its just so easy.  Trust me, if you have a slightly squeamish colleague teasing you about this sort of thing, ask them if their desk is sticky.  If it plays out for you like it did for me, you'll seldom see an office worker move so damn fast!

Wednesday
Sore throat has now transformed into a temperature, headache, general aches and a cold.  I don't get out of bed today.

Thursday
See Wednesday. 

Friday
I made it out of bed.  I went into town.  I bought some Lip and Cheek Stain from The Body Shop.  I watched Annie Hall - twice, once this morning and once this afternoon.  I've become obsessed with learning to bake.  I found out that white chocolate brownies are called blondies.  Makes sense.

Isn't that an exciting way to spend a week off?  5 whole days of precious holiday allowance wasted.  I'd actually rather have been at work ill than at home ill.  I'd rather get paid for it than waste holiday.  Fortunately, I've still got a week in October and a week in November to make up for the lack of lunches, museum/gallery vists and shopping trips.

All I have now is the weekend.  In that time I have more cleaning to do, baking to do and somehow I have to have some sort of fun.  Any suggestions would be welcome...