Changing State

I'm not feeling like myself lately.

Looking at it objectively, I've been mildly depressed for the last two months.  I don't really want to do much other than sleep.

I'm not happy at work and it feels like every which way I turn to try and resolve it I'm met with a brick wall.  I feel like no matter what I do I can't win.  Outside of work, I don't have anything going on and so all I'm doing is working and sleeping and with every day that passes my level of frustration grows.

I'm usually fortunate enough to be pretty confident about my looks.  I usually feel like a pretty girl with a decent figure.  Lately I feel fat and frumpy and just a monster.

The worst of it is, when you feel like that you're too tired and beaten down to do anything about it.

I went out to try and get some air today.  I walked around the shops and bought useless boring work necessities - new blouses, tights, invisible underwear to go under a pencil skirt thats too tight for the normal kind of underwear. I bought a book - "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" - I spent half an hour in the book shop looking for inspiration.

I realise that what I need is something to change my state.  For any dog lovers reading, you may be familiar with the dog trainer Cesar Milan.  He has all sorts of methods for getting dogs to behave and although most of them relate to getting the owners to behave first, there is one in particular that I'm trying to use.

When I dog is stuck in a particular mindset - overexcited or aggressive or whatever - he uses a technique of a very quick shock, like a quick tug on the lead or a sudden "shh" sound to snap them out of it and to try and get them into a calm submissive state. I don't know if calm and submissive is the state I need to be in, but calm is a good place to start so I'm trying to find a way to snap myself out of my moping.

I decided that I needed some sort of adrenaline rush to jolt me back into real life - even if its just for a short while.  Today, my way of doing that was to get a new piercing.  I had my belly button pierced.  I've had it done a couple of times before and so I knew exactly what to expect.  It didn't hurt as much as it had done previously because they used some sort of numbing solution.  Although I didn't feel the physical pain I was expecting (which I figured was going to snap me back to reality) it did help and I felt better afterwards for a little while.  I don't suppose its the ideal way of lifting yourself up because eventually you're going to run out of places to pierce, but today it was a bit of a help.  Maybe a motivator to get me to take better care of my body.  Eat better, maybe exercise a little bit.  Tone up the stomach so I can actually show off the piercing.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a brighter day.  I don't want to keep feeling like this.  Life is too short.

Comments

[KennethSF]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, my friend. I think how you're feeling has a lot to do with what you do for a living. Is there anything else you'd rather be doing?

As someone who's had a chance to perused your online photo album, I'd have to say, you look absolutely lovely--nothing remotely resembling a fat, frumpy monster.

[Monozygote]

Umm...yes. What I sometimes do, right, is I self-harm. I on the whole don't, but in extreme times, it does just the job. I'm not for a moment recommending this of course, just wanted to put the perspective out there as part of the continuum.

What I find helps more when I feel as you describe is a) to distract myself with something deliberately constructive, especially the social, or b) to try to understand constructively why I am feeling that way.

It might be a good book, and do I see your logic, but you are not a dog, you are a fabulous human being. I'd say a bit of Zen will perk you up much better than a short-sharp shock. Be kind to yourself.

Hope you feel better soon

[clarissa]

"You're not the only one." I commiserate all too well. It is frustrating when in your head you know what needs to be done to pull yourself out of the funk, but you just can't find the will to do what you know needs to be done ....

Call in The Beth Whisperer! Hopefully your Cesar Milan is as cute as the Dog Whisperer (ok, he's a teensy weensy bit cheesey especially as his teeth have gotten whiter and whiter as the programme has gotten more successful).

Hugs.

[dylan]

I think that February brings this blue period. Every year I feel this way and I can never figure out why, then I notice that others around me are in the same funk and I think to myself... oh right, it's February. I hope that with only three days left in the month, we push through without a serious mental break down... and that March lands us in a much better place. Cheers to that!

[Bob]

Yeah, the self-mutilation thing can give short term relief, I'm sure there's even some neurochemistry involved ... but I'd vote for longer term more systemic life changes. Or antidepressant meds. Or some of both. But you know the ONLY cool thing about depression is 50% spontaneously lift within six months. For no special reason except they just go away.

You're young, smart, hot and very self aware. You'll do wicked good. :)

[Blush]

oh my beth, i do hope your depression is a passing phase. you're doing right, trying to jolt yourself out of it. knowing whats going on is the first step to fixing the problem! (boy i could take my own advice sometime, lol.) anyway, i am sure with the coming spring you will feel better. Take time to stop and enjoy the flowers and the scent of the morning wind. and remember, "your eyes must do some raining if youre ever gonna grow!"

love ya girlie, keep it real...

Blush

[Beth]

Kenneth - Thank you for the very sweet compliment. Unfortunately, the problems I have at this job would only follow me to another one. I have a violent intolerance of stupid people - they're everywhere and so I need to find a way to deal with it. At the moment, its baby steps for me.

Monozygote - Welcome and thank you for commenting! I'll tell you something interesting. When I was typing this post, I thought about taking it down in case someone thought I was about to break out the razor blades and start carving myself up. I think piercings are incredibly cool, but scars don't rock my world. I'm trying to do as you said, be kind to myself and get through each day.

Clarissa - I'm glad I'm not the only one that had noticed that about his teeth!

Dylan - I couldn't agree more. Here's to March being better. Or maybe April being better as its now March and I haven't seen a massive upturn. I hope all is well with you and your mom is doing better.

Bob - As if all the other compliments didn't make me adore you enough, the use of the expression "wicked good" makes you officially on of my favourite people in the world right now!

Blush - Its so good to hear from you! Its never easy to take your own advice, even when you know its right. I hope you're taking good care of yourself and that Austin is doing well!