...Think, Think, Think...

Changing State

I'm not feeling like myself lately.

Looking at it objectively, I've been mildly depressed for the last two months.  I don't really want to do much other than sleep.

I'm not happy at work and it feels like every which way I turn to try and resolve it I'm met with a brick wall.  I feel like no matter what I do I can't win.  Outside of work, I don't have anything going on and so all I'm doing is working and sleeping and with every day that passes my level of frustration grows.

I'm usually fortunate enough to be pretty confident about my looks.  I usually feel like a pretty girl with a decent figure.  Lately I feel fat and frumpy and just a monster.

The worst of it is, when you feel like that you're too tired and beaten down to do anything about it.

I went out to try and get some air today.  I walked around the shops and bought useless boring work necessities - new blouses, tights, invisible underwear to go under a pencil skirt thats too tight for the normal kind of underwear. I bought a book - "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" - I spent half an hour in the book shop looking for inspiration.

I realise that what I need is something to change my state.  For any dog lovers reading, you may be familiar with the dog trainer Cesar Milan.  He has all sorts of methods for getting dogs to behave and although most of them relate to getting the owners to behave first, there is one in particular that I'm trying to use.

When I dog is stuck in a particular mindset - overexcited or aggressive or whatever - he uses a technique of a very quick shock, like a quick tug on the lead or a sudden "shh" sound to snap them out of it and to try and get them into a calm submissive state. I don't know if calm and submissive is the state I need to be in, but calm is a good place to start so I'm trying to find a way to snap myself out of my moping.

I decided that I needed some sort of adrenaline rush to jolt me back into real life - even if its just for a short while.  Today, my way of doing that was to get a new piercing.  I had my belly button pierced.  I've had it done a couple of times before and so I knew exactly what to expect.  It didn't hurt as much as it had done previously because they used some sort of numbing solution.  Although I didn't feel the physical pain I was expecting (which I figured was going to snap me back to reality) it did help and I felt better afterwards for a little while.  I don't suppose its the ideal way of lifting yourself up because eventually you're going to run out of places to pierce, but today it was a bit of a help.  Maybe a motivator to get me to take better care of my body.  Eat better, maybe exercise a little bit.  Tone up the stomach so I can actually show off the piercing.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a brighter day.  I don't want to keep feeling like this.  Life is too short.

You're Not The Only One

Please, go here - read.

http://peacharse.blogspot.com/2008/02/youre-not-only-one_10.html

I've submitted a couple of posts and Peach has suggested I could write something new.  I've not felt much like a writer lately.  I'm finding it hard to blog because other than woking lots and being tired there is precisely nothing at all going on in my life.

But anyway...enough about me.  Go and read that post.  If you're a blogger, submit something!  If you're not a blogger, bookmark and remember to check back and see when the book is published so you can buy a copy and do good things for charity!

Edited to make the link work!

Seven Things I Approve Of

The rather fantastic Peach tagged me to do this meme a week ago and I've been lazy (what a surprise).  I've not done one of these for ages, much less one that I actually need to think about.  The upshot is, you have to post seven things that you approve of.

Its quite hard to narrow it down to seven.  I approve of lots of things.  Thinking about it, I don't really disapprove of much.  Mass murder, child abuse,  that sort of thing.  Generally though, I don't give much of a monkeys what people do.

So, here are my seven things.  I'm also tagging the following bloggers - Kenzie, Kenneth, Ruby , Claire and Dylan because i'd love to read their answers.

1 - Religious Freedom

I'm not a religious person.  I find it all absolutely fascinating and I'm about halfway through a book on Scientology, but I'm not much of a believer.  That said, I won't knock someone else for their beliefs.  If Tom Cruise wants to bounce about singing the praises of Scientology, rock on.  He's happy.  He's not killing anyone.  People should chill out.  This is of course within reason.  You can believe whatever you like, you just cant go making yourself explode on public transport or driving planes into buildings.

2 - Moisturising Regularly

In my not too distant past, a particularly handsome man who was afforded the luxury of seeing me without clothing ran his fingertips over my back and told me how soft my skin felt.  He did that quite a lot.  I'm a total advocate of moisturisation. Face, hands, feet, body - the works.  after all, no one wants to be stroking a lizard do they.  Or maybe they do.

3 - Keeping In Touch with Old Friends

I'm bad at this.  Very bad.  I'm going to have lunch next week with someone I worked with about 6 years ago.  I haven't actually seen him since.  We've kept in touch and he only lives 15 miles-ish away from me, we just haven't got around to actually seeing eachother.  Ive also just been texting an old school friend who I haven't seen in nearly 4 years.  Since we last spoke she has found her perfect job, moved, got divorced and found herself a new man.  I'm thrilled that she's doing well and I'm planning on seeing her soon to catch up properly.  As the old saying (poem?  Addage?) goes, Make new friends but keep the old for one is silver and the other gold.

4 - Eating Purely for Pleasure

I love to eat. Its 1pm.  I got up at 10 and I've eaten a Cadburys Fruit and Nut bar and a Mars bar and nothing else so far today.  I don't tend to eat emotionally - in fact I do the opposite, I don't eat at all when I'm feeling an extreme of emotion - but sometimes, I like to eat just because I want to taste that particular food.  My vices?  Dairy.  Cheese.  Sour Cream.  Anything that combines the two - Nachos for example.  Washed down with a nice cold beer.  Or maybe cider.

5 - A Woman's Right To Choose

See, you thought I was going to be all fluffy didn't you?  Nope, here's the biggie.  I'm totally pro-choice.  At this stage in my life, if I fell pregnant I couldn't raise a child.  I still live at home.  I'm in debt up to my arse.  It wouldn't be fair on me and it certainly wouldn't be fair on the child.  I'm a firm believer that children should only be brought into the world in the right circumstances - ie with two loving parents to guide and nurture them.  I understand life doesn't always work that way, but a child should be wanted.  Obviously, this is just my take on things and I know people will disagree.  I respect that.

6 - Therapy/Counselling

A couple of years back, I hit a point in my life where I plain and simply wasn't coping.  I had a couple of weeks where I cried at my desk virtually all day.  My colleagues must have thought I was insane.  I decidd that counselling would be a good idea - and it was.  My counsellor is amazing.  I haven't been for the best part of a year now because I haven't felt like I needed it - but the help it gave me when I did was invaluable.  I know that if I need to go back in the future, I will and I have total faith in my counsellors skills in helping me work through the tough stuff.  I couldn't recommend it more highly.

7 - Blogging

I've read some of the most wonderful stories in blogs.  I love that there are people who are willing enough to open their hearts in front of a keyboard and pour it all out for others to read and comment on.  I'm honoured that there are people out there who not only read what I write, but take time out to comment on what I've written.  I've been extremely lucky not to have many trolls and I really do value my commenters words - so thank you!