...Think, Think, Think...

Saying Goodbye

The Funeral was today.  I'd never been to one before.

The church was packed, barely enough room for everyone to sit.

We walked in behind the coffin to Even After All, by Finlay Quaye which I'e always loved as a mellow summer tune and it was somehow very fitting:

His younger brother and sister delivered a eulogy together and my heart broke for them both...it was very clear a huge part of their lives is now missing.

There was a hymn, some prayers and readings from the bible which on some level I tuned out of.  Not out of a lack of respect for the family but just because of a different belief system.  Its interesting how for a person who doesn't believe in god, preaching on any level can just reiterate your lack of belief.

Then, they played Champagne Supernova by Oasis which I don't think I'll listen to in the same way.  He was a huge Oasis fan.  I remember when the Be Here Now album was released, he was sitting in the kitchen and reading through the liner notes, pointing different things out.

Another work colleague of his also spoke and told us what we already knew - what a good person the deceased was and how tragic of a loss it is.  They had become friends working for an aquatic company and the colleage said how he was such a humble person - fascinated by the marine fish and always willing to learn.  There were even clients from the business there to pay their respects.  Through all of their grief, i'm sure his family must be so exceedingly proud of the man he became.

Finally we sang All Things Bright and Beautiful, said the Lords Prayer and went to the cemetary to watch his "mortal remains" be laid to rest.  I hated that term.  I can't explain why.

I only stayed at the wake for a short while, they are a huge family and I didn't want to be under anyones feet and felt that because there were so many people, any extra space I could free up would be for the best.  I didn't feel that I needed to stay to pay my respects, I did that in the church and this was definitely a time for family to come together, which I'm sure they did.

I wasn't as outwardly emotional as I'd expected, but I cried when his brother and sister spoke.  Other than that, I just felt anxious and helpless - there is nothing you can do to help.  I put together a few plastic glasses at the wake and poured a couple of drinks but thats so trivial.  I don't like to feel as though I can't do something to make it just a tiny bit better.

As I left, I reminded them all that if there was anything they needed they could call on me whenever.  I think the one thing they need will be time...

Not Enough, Too Young

Lately, I have been going through another of my famed "crises of achivement".  Every year at least once, I go through a panic about what I have and haven't achieved.  The relationships I'm not in.  The size 10 I am not.  The promotion I haven't been offered.  The degree I don't have.

I was just in the early stages of one of these and then I got some horrible, tragic news.

Last weekend, a friend of the family was found dead in his flat.  He was 25.  6 months younger than me.

We went to mothers andtoddlers together, then school right the way through until we left at 16.  I know his family.  Parents, younger siblings, sister in law.

We weren't ever what you could call close.  we'd known eachother all that time but would seldom speak.  Not through any falling out or animosity, just because he was never much of a talker.  We'd always just nod in recognition and smile.  Maybe the occasional "alright?" if we were extra chatty.

Initially, we just heard that he'd died.  That was Sunday and in spite of the fact that he'd been in and out of hospital and had a few close calls in the last few years, I couldn't believe it.  Monday morning, my dad called me at work to tell me the next snippet of the story, which was that he was in bed when they found him.  I had to go and stand in the toilets at work, I felt like I'd just been thrown into a wall.  Apparently thats what shock feels like - I didn't know.

Since then, more pieces of the puzzle have come through.  Some correct, some not.  I think that it was his mother who found him.  He hadnt been round to his parents place for a few days and that was unusual.  When she found him he was in bed, eyes open and mouth agape.  He'd made his lunch for the next day, he was an insulin-dependent diabetic and his next injection was ready to go.  That was him all over - a hard worker and always prepared.  I don't know if she'll ever get that face out of her mind.  I'm told that she feels like he was calling out for her and she wasn't there.

In a strange way, this has made me realise how fortunate I am.  He is the first person that has died that I've been closely associated with.  I don't really know if I'm dealing with it in the right way.  I haven't really cried, but I have felt pretty shaken about it.  I want to offer more help to the family but I know that I can't.

I'm going to the funeral on Wednesday and I have no idea what the ettiquette is.  Or even what to wear.  I'm going straight from work so a black suit I suppose.  I'd told my boss I'd come back to the office after the service but he said I'll be in no fit state to do that and not to bother.  That I might think I'm ok about it now, but once I see the grief of his family I'll be a lot less ok.

The whole point of this post really is to get my thoughts down about it all.  I want to send good vibes to his parents and family and to wish him well.  I'm a firm believer in reincarnation so I'm sure he's just getting started on his next existance but i'd like it to be known - universally and what not - that he'll be missed by many people and that even on nodding terms, it was a prvilege to know someone who was such a good guy. 

A Picnic in the Park

I hate London in the summer.  I hate being crammed onto the tube with people who have no idea aout persona hygiene.  People who have been passed by by the notion of deodorant.  People who don't respect your personal space.

The streets seem busier somehow.  More shoppers ambling.  More tourists stopping dead in the middle of the pavement to read their maps.  This frustrates me the most I think.  there are a billion cabs in london - get in one, then you don't need a map.  If you absolutely must go on foot, move to the side of the pavement, next to a building (but not in front of a door, moron) and check your map there.  do not stop suddenly in front of other people who know where they're going and don't have time to dawdle.  Eventually, one (likely to be me) will lose their rag and shout at you.

That aside, it was one of my best friends' birthday's yesterday and we had a picnic in soho square.  The weather was gorgeous and I can honestly say I have never seen so many posing gay men in such a small space.  They were everywhere.  Granted 40 or so of them were in our group, but there had to have been at least 200 more around us.

I love to people watch.  The boys were playing "cock or no cock" which I'd never played before.  Fun.  I kept noticing gay couples that matched.  I don't know if they did it on purpose, but an awful lot of them had very similar outfits on.  It was cute, in a "they've lost their individual identity" sort of way.  I learned that there are gay chavs.  I had no idea.  Twinks, bears - I know of these..but gay chavs?  Weirdest thing I've seen in ages and totally doesn't fit within my stereotype (although perhaps thats my problem and not theirs).

We drank a lot (Pimms, Bucks Fizz and various flavoured Vodkas were on the go) and ate picnic food consisting mostly of sausage rolls and crisps.  I learned that I photograph much better with sunglasses on and its my eyes that tend to let me down in pictures:

L to R thats Lewis, the birthday boy - me in the middle - my new pal Dwaine on the right.

I also found that deet smells disgusting and doesn't taste much better. My friend's other half had worn a yellow t-shirt and all insects in the W1 area seemed to think he was pollen and something had to be done. 

Our entertainment was in the form of a rather unfortunate bearded homeless man.  He was loitering in the park - which makes sense, the park is nice on a sunny day - drinking a can of stella, dribling in his beard and crawling around on the floor so everyone got to see his arse.  Three times I saw it.  Scary.  Hi disappeared for a bit and then came back in the early evening and proceded to puke on the grass - full on out of the nose hanging from his beard puking at that.  when we came to leave, we had all sorts of food left over and I decided it'd be wrong to waste it so i stuck it all in a carrier bag and gave it to him.  He didn't say anything and I can't imagine a bag of sour cream and pepper crisps, a bag of Hickory BBQ crisps, a pot of salsa, a bottle of lemonade and a carton of cranberry juice is really what he wanted but he took it anyway.  On the train home I realised that it was a small price to pay for such entertainment, so everything there went full circle.

I managed to do all of that, get home at a decent hour and this morning I don't have a hangover or sunburn.  A good day all in all!

Happy Mondays #1 - Intro / Beauty Products

A while back, I had an idea for a weekly post that would push me to update more regularly.  My biggest problem with the blog is while I love having it and reading back over things I've writen, I'm astonishingly bad at updating it. 

In part, thats because there really isn't anything much happening in my life.  I go to work, I come home, I watch TV. Lather, rinse, repeat.  Occasionally I do something exciting like go out to eat, but at the moment its mostly the same routine.

Naturally, that can drag you down a bit and certainly make you lose sight of how fortunate a position you're in.  Which brings me right to this weekly post thing - Happy Mondays (every time I say it I hear the piano intro from "Step On", by the way).  Each Monday - or at least some Mondays - I'm going to post about something that I'm grateful for or that makes me happy or that I just discovered and totally love.  I guess some of the posts will be fairly shallow, others might be a bit more deep and meaningful.

First off, I'm going with something that makes me happy - all things beauty.

I am a make up junkie.  I'm completely, totally, hopelessly addicted.  I buy endless bottles of body lotion.  I have 3 lots of shampoo/conditioner on the go at any one time.  I drool over beauty websites like HQ Hair or MAC for hours on end.

I've posted about this sort of thing before, I think at one point I had a photo of the collection up and one blogger suggested I seek help.  I didn't, of course, and my collection keeps growing.

I should probably explain my reasons behind my love of the stuff, just because I realise that I'm in a minority here.

I don't wear much make up on a daily basis.  I'm happy enough and perhaps fortunate enough that I can get by with a bare face and for that I genuinely thank every positive force in the universe.  In spite of this, I love what make up promises.

Its the promise of outer beauty.  The notion that a bit of this here and a bit of that there (skillfully applied of course) can turn you from "meh" to "wow!".

I love being able to change how I look with a smudge of eyeliner or a slick of lipgloss.  I'm very excited about how a carefully placed line of white eye pencil along the bottom rim of your eye makes you look awake, or a pale pink highlighter pencil can lift your brow.

I am constantly on a quest for the next best thing, the holy grail product that will turn me into a supermodel in a nanosecond.  Its not out there yet (but with technology who knows!) and so I'll keep searching.

Luckily for me, I've been able to find a couple of products that I now can't live without and for anyone who is interested, they are;

Liz Earle Cleanse and Polish - the beauty editors darling, the best cleanser I've ever used bar none.

Laura Geller Balance N Brighten - Powder/Foundation/Concealer combo, perfect for every day and goes on in one sweep.

Clinique Lash Power Mascara - It stays on.  It doesn't smudge or flake.  It washes off with warm water.  Its a miracle in a grey and silver tube, is what it is.

Carmex Lip Balm - Nothing touches this stuff.  Good for chapped lips, or cuticles too.

Nivea Nourishing Hand Cream - Smells like holidays, possibly because I'd used Nivea Sun Cream in the past, but thats beside the point.

If anyone has any beauty recommendations they want to share, I would love to hear them and also if you want to share what's making you happy this week that would be cool too!