Late-Summer Clean and a serious case of the What If's

Lately I've been feeling a bit sort of unsettled.  Not unhappy, but not exactly happy either.  Feeling like I needed some sort of change and thats quite a difficult thing to engineer.

I feel like I need to go through everything and throw out the things I don't need.

Last weekend I started with DVD's and books.  I have 320 dvds now and that doesn't include the 32 that I'm never ever going to watch again that ggot put in a bin bag to go to the charity shop. 

I got rid of 15 or so books.  Those little gems on relationships that are supposed to help keep things running smoothy.  They never did.  If twisting myself into knots to be agreeable and "understanding" and behaving like a complete doormat wouldn't keep the man around, some crappy notion about Mars and Venus wasn't going to do much either.  I get rid of the books on what to do when you get dumped again, because that path I'm now familiar with, I have my own way of dealing with it and it usually depends on the method of dumping.  Fortunately in the last year I haven't had to worry because I haven't put myself at risk.

Books and DVD's done my bedroom is now substantially tidier.  I spend probably 90% of my time at home in there so some space is nice, given that its little more than a nicely decorated, technically well equipped cell.

This leaves my wardrobes, drawers, handbags and shoe collection.  I've been saying for months that I'd go through all of these and put it off every time.  Its not a nice job.  Its harder than with books or dvds because I know I can re-buy them if needs be.  The clothes/shoes/bags are seasonal - once they're gone they're gone.  But whats the point in keeping things I never wear?  They may as well go to people who will use them, who need them more than I do.

But here's my worry.

What if I do all the sorting out, get rid of all the clutter and things I don't need and free up lots of space and don't feel any better?

I'm inclined not to take action at times, because if I don't (and this is the losers way out, I know) I can say "X isn't working, but I could do this if I wanted and that would probably fix it".  I'm just sort of scared that if I do it and it doesn't, I'm even more stuck.  No hope of moving forward or making change because I've tried and failed.

I have this attitude with fitness.  I could be slimmer and more toned if I exercised.  I'd probably feel better in myself and even be more attractive to the opposite sex...but what if I do it and I don't and I'm not?  What then?

Its fear and I know I shouldn't let fear control my life on any level...I'm just weak at the moment.

Comments

[Jason]

I can understand that feeling. I go through the same thing occasionally. I hate when I make no forward progress because of it. My passion is music, so I just turn it on, turn it up, and let my worries slip away in my favorite songs. They never let me down.

[Leah Vanessa]

I'm the same way with clothes! I have so many I could probably open up a shop... but I'm loathe to let them go. My mom asked yesterday if I was getting rid of any of my shoes and I asked her if she could pick a Grandchild to part with. It's bad. I may need an intervention! Good work getting sorted, don't worry about the what ifs, just do what you want for yourself!

[Mia]

If you always do the same thing you always get the same results.

If you try something different... who knows it may be better than what you're doing now.

Think about the best things that have happened to you. The greatest moments... they're generally because you've done something different, you've stepped outside of your comfort zone and you've taken a chance that things may be UNBELIEVABLY better.

[Courtney]

Oh God, do I hear you on the workout body issue! If it is not something I really want for me and me alone, why do it on some possibly fake "what if"? Aren't you just then pretending to be someone you are not?
Especially if health issues are not in the equation

It is just horrible to face that barrel of "this is me and I am alone and..."

If you have a breakthrough, please share

[clarissa]

We all have moments of weakness. Just be kind to yourself. Hugs. c

[Ariel]

Clothes, books and DVDs are just... things. By clearing out the old, you make space for the new in your life on all levels. You're not weak, you're just taking stock, which is a very healthy thing. Onwards and upwards! x

[David]

That's why they call it, taking a chance. Cliché, I know, but you'll never know, unless you try. Like Ariel said, by clearing out the old, you make space for the new. New adventures, new experiences, new opportunities, new whatever. Just give yourself a chance and trust that whatever problems you have, will all work out in the end. Best of luck Beth.

[Peter]

I love the honesty in this post.

And understand the feelings.

[Dao]

Hi Beth,

I found your blog from Karen's blog. Great entry! About fitness and exercising, I went through the same phase of needing to get fit to please my mom, to become attractive to the opposite sex, and to fit into that size-whatever jeans. Recently, I realize if I want to exercise, I will do it just for me and my health. The rest of the world can be pleased latter. So if you want to exercise, just go ahead and do it but make sure you do it because you want to.

[ruby]

Good job on cleaning things up! Maybe you won't feel immediately uplifted or better when the clutter is sorted...but at least you will know you've gotten it done and its out of the way.

[Lucy]

Hello Beth, I'm a sometime reader, first time commenter.
There's a lot of what you've wrote which could easily have been said by me. As for clothes, I'm still a horder it took, for example, far too long to get rid of one dress I'll never wear again.
As for what if, I tend to regret what I havent done more than what I did.

[KennethSF]

You are plenty adorable as you are. The gym visits are completely optional, certainly not an essential consideration.

Still, you shouldn't let apprehension cripple you. If you keep postponing doing X because you're worried it won't bring you the anticipated outcome Y, you'll miss out on a lot. Because, in many cases, when you do X, Y does follow.

[Clare]

Good luck with the clearing out Beth. It's always hard to decide whether to give stuff away or whether to keep it. I've always found that even if I decide to keep stuff that eventually ... later on it always ends up in the giving away pile. You'll know when it's time to get rid of your clothes and handbags. It's not weakness at all.

Hope all is okay with you. I'm impressed that you have 320 DVD's.

[Beth]

Jason - I know exactly what you mean, the music never lets you down. Its always there, just like it always was!

Leah Vanessa - I still didn't quite make it as far as the wardrobes yet. Shoes I've done though, and I still don't have any space. This morning brings another sort out of hair and beauty and if I have any time left, I may have a little look through some drawers. I've got my eye on some pretty new pj's and so to get them I really need to make some space!

Mia - You're right, the good things that have happened have been when I've taken a chance. Sadly, the same is usually said for the bad things. I guess thats the point though.

Courteney - I'm pretty sure the breakthrough isn't going to come anytime soon, but if it does you'll be the first one I email!

Clarissa - I'm trying to do that at the moment, I hope you're doing the same x

Ariel - Thank you for the positive take, I appreciate it very much!

David - Thank you! I haven't seen you around for a while, I hope you're doing well!

Peter - Thank you, I figure if I'm going to blog I might as well be honest. I'm not into fabricated stories of how fantastic my life is, you kind of have to embrace the bad stuff to get to the good. I'm glad you came back!

Dao - Welcome! Thank you for stopping by! You're absolutely right about exercise and at the moment, the short answer is - I don't want to, so I'm not going to!

Ruby - Thats about as far as I've gotten. Its mostly done and I like the tidy, but I don't feel like any major difference has been made!

Lucy - Welcome, thank you for commenting! I agree totally with the idea of regard what you've done, not what you haven't done. I think I just need to get past the combination of lazy and scared before I can make any headway there! Hope to see you commenting again soon!

Kenneth - Thank you, thats a lovely compliment. And you're right, of course. Hopefully the last few months of 2008 will bring about some more X's and Y's for both of us!

Clare - I think that what will happen for me too, the things I don't think I want to give away will go to the charity shop. There is so much that I just don't wear that I'll have to cave in and get ride of it before long. I'm not sure 320 DVD's is something impressive - it just shows that I have no financial restaint and I spend a lot of time in front of the tv! :)