Boxes - Part 1

I've intentionally split this post into two as its something I want to write about, but there'sd a lot of information and background to it.  You get part one today and probably part two during the middle of this week.

Of late, I haven't felt like the most inspired, warm, fuzzy, friendly, positive bunny in the meadow.  I've been intolerant of various people in various situations and intolerance with no release leads to evil plotting.  Sort of desperate fantasizing about the things you wish that you could do but would probably make you extremely unpopular and probably cost you your job.

This means that a trip to the counsellor was due.  Things usually improve after a few visits.

My main issue this time has been at least partially linked to the announcement that several people around me are pregnant.  Naturally, I'm happy for them but in the grand scheme of things I'm not massively interested.  I don't much care for babies.  4/5 year olds that say hilariously inappropriate things? Oh yes.  But Babies?  No.  I guess they'll have to come back in a few years to catch my interest.

There is, however, one thing I dislike more than babies.  One thing that really, really pisses me off. And that is people who tell me that when I meet the right man, I'll feel differently about it all. 

I don't like being told how I'll feel by anyone.  I especially don't like being made to feel that because I'm single and not baby-crazy, I'm a - inferior (because really, getting pregnant is like the hardest thing ever - have you seen some of the retards out there that breed?) or b - that I don't know my own mind.  I really do.  I really, really, really know that I don't like babies.  I do see myself with kids at some point.  I however don't particularly see myself being pregnant and you can bet your sweet arese that I don't see myself going through labour so thats all going to provide a slight challenge to the obtaining of babies, short of some kind of weird Raising Arizona set up or adotoption or something.  

My closest friends know better.  I don't have many friends with babies, but those that do have never given me that little speech.  One friend of mine just had her third child 3 months ago and only told me she was pregnant when she was 4 months gone by saying "I did tell you I was pregnant didn't I?"  and then for the remainng 5 months hardly talked about it at all.  She just got on with it.  Maybe she's a pro and by baby #3 its just not a big deal.  I don't know.

This was all bugging me big-time and I relay all of this information to the counsellor and he asks me why I think its bothering me so much, am I jealous?  I think about it, the shitty nappies and the puking and the no sleep and the labour and no.  I'm not jealous.

Then, he hits the nail right on the head.  I don't have a comeback and thats the problem.

I can't say to these people that hassle me about not being settled down/pregnant "Well, yes, I'm not married and pregnant because I've been studying to be a doctor/promoting my new film/preparing for my first mission to Mars" because I haven't done any of those things*. 

Which leaves me with a quandry.  What do I want to do?   Not an easy question to answer.

The counsellor had me write my obituary.  Dark.  Also, not easy when you don't know what you're trying to achieve.  It was interesting to work through the stuff I don't want to do or be and I managed to find out a few of the things that are important to me.  Unfortunately it still didn't provide me with any comforting insights.

The next week, he had me do sort of a guided meditation and I went to the House of my Soul.  Everytime I say that, either out loud or in my head I end up following it with "Ooooohhhh" because it sounds slightly sinister.

So, off I go.  It was a nice house.  I was there, a few years older but aging pretty well and looking pretty happy.  That probably had something to do with the fact that I was clearly doing well in general, the house was massive.  At the end of its own gravel driveway.  With gates.

He told me that in the house, someone would be there and someone would give me something or might even tell me something and that I was to thank them and take whatever item or wisdom they gave me.

I gave myself a box. 

A chinese black lacquered box, with a really pretty mother of pearl inlay on the hinged lid.  Similar to one I'd seen at the V&A a couple of days before.

What.  The.  Fuck.

*You're surprised aren't you?  You all thought that my huge gaps between posts were due to my busy career in medicine/film/space travel. Its not.  I'm just a lazy blogger.

Comments

[Roses]

As someone who had a baby - now a teenager, and categorically does not want more children, I think I understand what you're saying.

I suppose I always think that babies come out a context - a loving, stable relationship. I'm slightly old fashioned I suppose. As a single parent, not by choice, I'm mistified why any woman would chose to do it this hard way.

I don't think you're weird for not wanting kids or wanting to hear about them. Pregnancy, childbirth, parenthood are stunning, amazing, life-changing things - if it's your experience. Not interesting if the child isn't yours.

I think your counsellor is right, it's hiding another issue. If you're concerned about your career etc - I can confidently recommend going to see a Career Guidance Counsellor. They are worth their weight in gold.

[Clarissa]

The House of My Soul! I went there once. I came out all sticky.

Oh, and on the baby front ....imagine what it would be like if you got married and you and your husband made the conscious decision NOT to breed. It just ain't right. People don't get it. Something must be wrong with us. Someone commented that we must not really be married if we have no intention to procreate.

[peach]

i didn't want them much either, then one came along and I did. no two women are the same. ignore your well meaning friends, but don't let them get to you! (ie I hope my baby bores haven't added to your woe!)

X

[Dandelion]

Quick, Roxy! Look in the box!

[Dandelion]

Oh, and ps, what the hell kind of counsellor is that?

[Bob]

You are a very funny writer when you are dipping your pen in your blood. Great stuff.

[Beth]

Roses - Thank you, I'll definitely bear it in mind!

Clarissa - It makes you wonder doesn't it? Who are they to decide whats right for you and the Mista!

Peach - You haven't added to my woe at all honey! I'm thrilled to bits for you and I guess at this point we're Baby peach Minus 6 which is very exciting!

Dandelion - He tends to lean towards a Rogerian style of therapy, but he'll draw from any other branches of therapy if he feels its relevant.

Bob - Thank you, I very much appreciate that from someone as fabulous a writer as you are! Its high praise!

[KennethSF]

To those who say, "When you meet the right man, you'll feel differently about having babies," perhaps you can reply, "The right man for me would feel as I do about babies."

[Beth]

Kenneth - Thats a very good answer. Depending on who I'm having the conversation with and how tired I am my answer is either a flat "nope." or a nod and smile with a look that says "Yep, sure, whatever I have to do to shut you up."

[David]

Why are we not venting to each other on a more personal level, Beth? You are one of the most relatable persons I know through a blog.

There's always something coming up in our lives that we have to constantly overcome. Whether its our jobs, our love lives, whatever, it seems that nothing ever goes the way we need it to go.

As you know, I'm at a crossroads in my life too and I wish there was something as easy as opening a box to solve all my problems. Like a Pandora's box in reverse.

What was in your box, by the way?

[Beth]

David - Thank you, I'm really glad you can relate to what I'm saying. I think it makes it easier knowing that theres someone else who totally gets it too. I'm going to put part 2 of the post up tomorrow and all will be revealed! Finding the box didn't solve any problems, it just gave me a change in perspectiv and it has helped tons!

[Gabriella]

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