Found Ya...

Sometimes, as most bloggers probably do, I like to have a look and see how people have found my site.

A lot of the time its either people who have my bookmarked, or find me through another blog I read but occasionally they find me through a search engine.

Yesterday, someone found my blog after typing in "How to fix a bad mother-daughter relationship".

I don't know if that person found any useful information in my posts.  But, if you are that person and you happened to have come back I'll give you my honest opinion.

If it's recently gone bad, you might be able to fix it.  If it's always been bad, you have to find a way to reconcile it in your head and come to terms with the fact that you're probably never going to have that "my mother is my best friend" thing happening.  Another helpful tool is to look at your mother's relationship with her mother.  If it was bad, there's a pattern here and on some level you have to consciously break that cycle - for your own sake.

It took me a lot of counselling and soul searching before I realised that I was tying myself in knots to please my mother and it was totally pointless.  It never worked.  It was never enough and I got tired of feeling like I was never enough.

Its been a few years now since I was in therapy working through it all, but I can honestly say that now, other than the odd frustration at things that go on in my house I'm totally at ease with the fact that we're not that family. 

I aspire to more for my children.  I want to be a good mother for them if/when I have them.  I don't want to make them feel like I felt for way too much of my life.

Thats just my two cents worth, if you've come back that is.  If you're reading and you're not that searcher, then you've just had another bit of insight into my inner workings!

Comments

[you know who]

my mother, and I am 37, apologised to me recently that she 'neglected [me] through [my] difficult teenage years as I was too caught up with my career'. I was gobsmacked but felt so much better - and strangely relieved somehow. She says I am a more caring and patient mother with my new son that she was with me or my brother (I don't think that's hard, frankly) and a few nights ago, while I was thanking her for being a great granny and overcoming the fact she was worried about me having my son as a single mother, AND reassuring her that the argument with my brother she had had wasn't her fault, she told me 'no-one wanted your son but you' and, later, as if to make it better that my granny 'didn't want you at the time either'.

Mothers. They fuck you up.

I hope I just love and look after my son properly. I don't think it's that bloody hard!

xxx to you xxx

[Beth]

you know who - Wow! Lovely words coming from a grandmother, I'm sorry that you've had to put up with that but I know exactly where you're coming from. I'm sure you're doing a grand job with your own little one, I think once you're conscious of the "bad mother" actions you know how to overcome them. Your little guy has a fabulous mummy, no question! xxx

[Daniel Hoffmann-Gill]

Off topic bit I like your new black and white pic.

Cool.

[Beth]

Daniel - Thank you. Another friend of mine referred to it as my "Mona Lisa" picture, which I thought was quite cool.

[Deb]

I always say that we can choose our friends, but not our family. Sounds to me like you have a good level of acceptance of what can be and what cannot be. It's hard to get there, but it is also liberating too.

[ellie]

I have to say, I have that 'my mom is my best friend' relationship (makes you want to gag, I'm sure). But, I'm adopted, so we're not really related anyway.

Like Daniel, love the new look! Mona Lisa pic ... I want one!

[Beth]

Deb - It certainly was hard to get there but liberating is almost an understatement! I felt like a new person once I'd found a way to figure it all out and just accept that this is how it will always be.

Ellie - Nah, it doesn't make me gag. I would say that my dad is one of my best friends, so I can totally understand being close to a parent (adoptive or otherwise, I don't think that matters too much). Its just the mother/daughter thing I don't/won't have. Thank you for the compliment on the pic. It actualy came about in an act of total vanity. I got one of those new hair dryers that curls your hair while it dries and I wanted to see what it looked like so I snapped a pic on my phone!