The Life That I have

The funeral is on Thursday.  

I can't wait.  Its a funny thing to say, I know.  Its not that I'm excited, I just want it to be over with, not to be rid of her but to be allowed to move on and have some closure.  I have been a nightmare for my friends this past week.  The ones I've told anyway.  I'm up and down like a whores drawers.  

This week has been the hardest of my life.  Stuck in limbo.  Waiting for the really bad day.  The day she died was bad, but it was what needed to happen to release her from the pain and I felt some sense of relief for her.  The funeral is another story altogether.  Its more for us than for her.  I'm stressing out about what to wear.  I don't want to be scruffy at the funeral.  

Problem is I always feel scruffy.  

I went out to try and get new shoes and a new bag today.  I couldn't find anything that felt right.  So I'll be making do with something I've got already.  How awful.  Wearing a "make do" outfit to a funeral.

I'm going to read a poem.  I asked my dad if anyone else was going to say anything and he said he was leaving it all to the vicar.  Somehow that didn't seem right.  Someone from the family should speak and so I volunteered.  I'm not afraid of speaking in public.  I've done small amounts of theatre and my attitude to it is "Well, if I'm shit, they'll boo me off.  I don't have to do it again."

I'm not even scared of crying in front of them all, in fact its the opposite.  What if I don't cry?  I feel as though everyone is going to look at me and think "Some granddaughter she is, not even shedding a tear.  What a bitch."  

At the moment, I'm pretty much calm about it all until I speak to one of my friends in particular.  I don't know what it is about him, but he's being so nice that I always end up in tears.  I suppose its like someone asking you if you're okay when you aren't.  There are only some people you can tell the truth to.  

The poem I'm going to read is one that my Grannie had torn out of the newspaper.  Dad found it when he went to her flat.  It was written in WW2 by Leo Marks.  He wrote it for his girlfriend who had just been killed in a plane crash in Canada and then later used it as code for agents working in espionage behind enemy lines. He tended to use original poems rather than well known ones as code, that way if they were intercepted the enemy had a much harder time deciphering it.

I'm not sure why she'd kept it.  It must have been something she'd liked and perhaps it reminded her of my grandfather, who was in the military police during the war.  He died of cancer almost 22 years ago and perhaps, in her harder times lately she was missing him.  That was what Dad said she'd be thinking while she was sleeping in the hospital; "I'll be with George soon".  In all honesty I've never really bought into the heaven and hell angle of life after death, reincarnation makes more sense to me. But now though, I hope that they are reunited after all this time.  Wherever that may be.

The Life That I Have

The life that I have

Is all that I have

And the life that I have

Is yours

The love that I have

Of the life that I have

Is yours

And yours

And yours

A sleep I shall have

A rest I shall have

Yet death will be but a pause

For the peace of my years

In the long green grass

Will be yours

And yours

And yours

Comments

[Dena]

Beautiful.

[ellie]

Really, really beautiful, Beth.

I was at a service last week (not the funeral, which happened in December, but a secondary service for those of us who had been absent). I wasn't nearly as close to the deceased as you are with your gran, but I felt like I should say something. In the end, I didn't. Everyone else had said it all.

You'll look beautiful (not scruffy), I am sure. No one will boo. And no one will think you are a bitch. You are brave and obviously full of love for your gran. xx

[peach]

welled up to that. what a fitting poem.

I hope I have a granddaughter as considerate and sensitive and lovely as you

x

[Roses]

You can't be what other people expect. Be how you feel. Anything less leads to madness.

Grieving is hard, not two ways about it. But you're not alone. You're with your family who will come together to honour the woman you love. Whatever other peoples' agenda or intra-personal family politics, it doesn't matter. It's not important.

You'll look back on the day, and remember it with sadness and pride. Pride because you did right by your Gran, who loved you and knew you loved her.

Anything else is by the by.

[Beth]

Dena - Thank you, I think it feels extra special because I knew it was something she liked.

Ellie - Thank you. I do hope you're right!

Peach - Thank you. I'm sure you will, little H (when he's a much bigger H) will do you proud.

Roses - I'm trying to be kind to myself, but its very hard as I feel like I'm not even meeting my own standards. I know it will start to get easier but you know how it is when you're trapped in the thick of it. Feels like you'll never get past it.

Thank you all for your wise words and kind advice, I'm very grateful for you all xx

[rashbre]

Your love for your Grannie shines through.

[Daniel Hoffmann-Gill]

I don't really have owt to say after reading your blog but just wanted to say something, if you know what I mean?

Peace.

xxxx

[Beth]

Rashbre - I'm glad to hear that, she was wonderful.

DHG - Just saying something says everything, thank you xx